waiting.

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments, congrats and prayers on the news of our little babe! We really feel so blessed that our babe is so loved already and it's so good to be able to share this new adventure with you, finally!

I do know, however, that not every woman will be cheering and squealing with delight at my pregnancy announcement. Why? Because I have been that woman whose heart sinks when I see yet another bump reveal. I understand being conflicted between feeling ecstatic for a newly pregnant friend and sobbing ten minutes later because "When is it my turn?"

My whole life my only "career goal" I've ever had was to be a mom. Oh, I had dreams of being a teacher, an artist, an actress. But I always knew in my heart that I was meant to be a mama. Growing up in a family of 7 kids can do that to a girl. My crazy, happy family gave me a desire to have my own one day. My own strong, faithful mama showed me how it's done. Playing with my nieces and nephews, I'd think about the day when I got to add my own kiddos to the mix of cousins. And marrying Chris solidified my heart's desire to grow a family with this amazing man of God. 

Our path to pregnancy was a tough one, though I'm sure not as tough as many of yours. Along the way, I was diagnosed with hypothryoidism which was screwing with my cycles and throwing a wrench in our plans. I was thankful to get it diagnosed and treated but it was frustrating to be given a diagnosis for something that will follow me throughout life. Thankfully, after a few tries, we've found a good dosage of drugs that keeps my thyroid levels in check. 

After months of me questioning God's timing and a year of trying, Chris and I headed into the doctor's to figure out what the heck was going on in our bodies. I was hit with yet another tough diagnosis, this time, one that shook my world. The doctor told me that I had PCOS, which is basically a hormone disorder of varying degrees that makes it very difficult for some women to conceive and impossible for others. I had no idea where I landed on the scale and I shook with sobs for days as I faced what I thought could be the end to my dreams.

As we shared our diagnosis and struggles with some close friends and family, we were flooded with prayers and encouragement. As painful as it was, I prayed that God would use our situation and use me for His glory. But I was hesitant to do that. I did not want to be an "infertility" blogger and was honestly rather mad that I had this new label.

 As December approached, we started to discuss drug treatments that would give us an edge on that conceiving thing. I prayed and prayed about it and as much as I was dying to become pregnant, I just felt an unease about the drugs. I asked God to be clear with me, if He was giving me these doubts and as I lay in bed praying one morning I heard loud and clear, "Just wait". I've never heard God so clearly before and I didn't know exactly what "just wait" meant but I said "Okay, God, we'll wait on the drugs."

Little did I know that He was really saying "just wait" for that positive test. Because within the week, I started to feel queasy and after hesitantly taking a pregnancy test on Monday morning, I crumpled to the floor in sobs as I saw those two clear lines show up. After countless negative tests, all I could do was lift my hands in thanks to God. We are still praising God for his timing and the miracles he works.

So, to my friends still waiting.... I just wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that I know it sucks. I won't say "Oh, it will happen", because the truth is, I don't know. But I know how hard it is to see so many friends announce their pregnancies and to still be patiently waiting for your turn.

I'm not one to throw Bible verses at a situation. I know that sometimes that's the last thing you want to hear. But not only do I want you to know that I know it sucks, but I hope to offer some encouragement as well. And the He is the best Encourager I know.

" I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14

I am confident that God will bring goodness into your life even through these struggles. He's got plans for you-- awesome, beautiful, good plans. Take heart, dear friend.


(And if you got through the longest blog post ever-- thank you. :)


lindsay